Day 5

No one and nothing can prepare a person mentally or emotionally for something like this.  The past few days have really been trying to "kick my butt."  It's taking everything I have to keep myself up and running.  I know that God has willed this to happen to all of us and He has a purpose for all of this that we may not know now, but maybe it will be made clear to us down the road or maybe not.  No matter what though He is in control and I have to have faith in Him.  The past few days have shown me how I am not in control of anything and how He is in control of everything.  As I sit here and watch my paralyzed little baby lay there so helplessly like a prisoner trapped in her own body I wonder what she's feeling.  The only indicator I have of her comfort is a little green number steadily changing on a screen above her. Her heart rate is my only indication of how she may be feeling.  As the number starts to creep into the 130's I begin to feel myself tense up as I wonder if she's beginning to feel some form of discomfort...is she just awake under all that or maybe she's agitated from having a tube down her throat?  Could she be feeling panic from not being able to move anything or does she hear mommy and wonder why she isn't being held?  Does she need to cough but can't because of the ventilator or maybe the mechanism around her omphalocele is causing her pain?  I try to rub her little head and whisper in her ear that mommy is right here and everything is ok, but then I notice her heart rate starts to climb again...does she hear me and wonder why I'm not holding her and wonder what's going on?  I feel so helpless and don't know what to do...should I continue to soothe or should I back off?  I go from feeling like her superhero at home knowing her so well, her likes and dislikes and what makes her comfortable to suddenly not having a clue what to do. 

I haven't seen her beautiful blue eyes, her coy little smile or felt her soft little body in my arms for five days now.  I know look at a limp swollen baby who's eyes are so puffy you can hardly open them.  That sweet smell of her soft skin is now replaced with the smells of ointment and surgical tape. I go to bed and look over the side of the bed only to find her not there.  The rhythmic snoring and heavy breathing that used to come out of that little body that I used to fall to sleep to is no longer there.  I feel like someone has taken my baby.  I miss my baby.

I feel like someone has taken my heart right out of my chest and all I want to do is curl up on the bed with her and hold her tight.  I want to go through this for her.  Tears are just waiting to be cried.

My only comfort is my Heavenly mother and Jesus.   I think about how helpless and heartbroken Our Lady must have felt watching her Son have to go through such suffering.  I place myself at her feet and picture myself being held by her and soothed by her...her maternal love for all of us.  I close my eyes and I see Gianna being held in Jesus' hands.  I see her guardian angel tending to her and comforting her and I am reassured and comforted myself. 

As a mother you want to take control of everything for your children.  This is just a reminder to myself that I am in control of nothing and that my little love is first His little love and He is taking care of her. 

Thank you Jesus for holding her in the palm of your hand...thank you for giving me this opportunity to suffer so that I may offer it up for whatever it is You want and thank you for giving me this opportunity to gain graces.  Please give my heart some consolation.

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.

Psalm 23

I love you Gianna.  Mommy will never leave your side.